I don't really know what purpose it will serve me to write about it, but for the past three months I've been destroyed by debilitating writer's block.
It's a mixture of about 30 problems that I can't seem to find acceptable coping methods for rolled into one slurry of self-doubt and loathing that I've been all but unsuccessful in hiding.
Hitting roadblocks on the way to new material has not been too uncommon in the 10 years I've been trying/succeeding in writing music. It's not something that's uncommon for anyone into music I don't think.
I mean, there are many types of music which aren't exactly conducive to facilitating writer's block and there are certainly artists who have the ability to churn out material at astonishing rates (some good... some... yeah...) but I'd say that, in general, everyone who writes anything has had their fair share of problems along the way.
What is particularly upsetting about the recent lack of developments is that this is the first time in my life I've really had any "reason" to be writing new material:
Look at the "upcoming release" lists I've been posting
I have so much crap I need to get done that I have to check my myspace all the time to remember what all there is.
I have 8 releases for this project slated for release this year and all have to be top quality and perfect in every way I can manage.
It's a tall order for someone like me.
I have disgusting standards for myself that I can never meet.
I have aspirations far beyond my abilities.
I have desires that probably can never be fulfilled by anyone.
The problem is that I don't seem to want to accept it; it seems too plausible to get what I want with tons of dedication, study, and practice.
Now... I don't know for fact that it is all plausible at all at this point in my life, but it sure feels like it should be... and that alone drives me to be quite discouraged.
You know, I feel like "oh, I should be using more of my hardware/instruments/software" or "oh my compositions should be more complicated/more intelligent/stupider/less complicated/have more modulations/have more sounds/have such and such type of chord progressions/should avoid such and such sounds" or "oh I should really be playing some of these parts live/I should practice more" and my favorites "this isn't emotive enough/this is not silly enough/this isn't unique enough"
The problem is that I think my creativity is only best accessed when I'm not thinking so much or when I'm overcome with emotions.
Neither one seems possible lately. I'm a blank slab of no emotions but apathetic frustration and all I do is think about what I'm doing.
My dad and I talked about it (a rare occurrence) and he finished one of my sentences in a way I probably wouldn't have come up with on my own:
It just feels like I'm copying myself sometimes.
The truth is, I could probably go on literally copying myself, subtly reusing chord progressions and ideas forever and no one would notice it like I would.
I won't lie, there are progressions I have inadvertently re-used or only slightly altered in different keys. I think everyone alive has.
It just happens. The melodic tendencies that grabs someone's hearts will always be the melodic tendencies that grab someone's heart... it is part of what crafts a band or artist's "sound" because that's how they are emoting.. you're not going to write a song that doesn't make you feel something are you?
But that's what one of my problems is I suppose.
I've gotten tired of emoting in ways that feel so similar, but I don't always know how to break free of them because it can be unnatural.
Look... I know this is getting more and more pointless and more and more convoluted... and not to mention becoming more and more inconclusive at a disgusting rate, but I thought maybe saying the types of things I've been saying to people around me to everyone alive might make something happen.
Maybe I'll be so embarrassed by the fact that I was complaining about it that I'll have renewed creativity.
Or maybe someone out there will read this and say "hey, I have some advice for ya pal. You just need to _____ and everything will change for ya"
Or maybe I'll just keep getting more frustrated, who knows.
All I know now is that I need to write some new material for these splits.
I hate the thought of needing to use old material... even when it's material that no one but me has ever heard.
What a stupid kid.
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